


For Instance

by OwlFae



Series: Connor writes poetry. [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor Lives AU!, F ORGIVE MY SINS, F/M, For Instance - Shane Koyczan, I hate myself, I thought of them listening to a poem, Im sorry again guys, It makes sense, Its a sad poem, So I was listening to a poem, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, What is taggging?, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 13:25:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11624454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OwlFae/pseuds/OwlFae
Summary: Connor wrote a poem instead of a eulogy guys.





	For Instance

**Author's Note:**

> I got this from a website btw. PLEASE POINT OUT ANY ERRORS.

Connor took a breath. Evan... Was dead. He was getting ready for the funeral. Zoe poked her head in. "Connor come on, We'll be late," Zoe said, her eyes down trodden. 

The drive to Evan's funeral was silent and somber. The noise was buzzing around his head. He and Evan had a fight. Evan ran out and drove home. He died on impact in the collision with a tree. He wasn't wearing his seat belt. Connor blamed himself. When they arrived Jared and Alana were already there. Alana was hugging Jared who was sobbing. 

The funeral was simple. Larry and Cynthia offered their condolences to Heidi who looked like a wreck. It made his chest and heart ache. 

All of Evans friends read their eulogies aloud. Connor felt like a wreck. Soon it was his turn. 

He walked up to the podium. He had written a poem. 

"Take for instance you,  
Take for instance me,

Take for instance the fact that we were getting into trouble every other minute," Connor took a breath. A sob catching in his throat.

"Like the night I thought it would be cool to throw a chocolate bar into a hotel swimming pool, then point at it and yell  
'Shit!'  
I said it was something we saw in a movie,

No surprise everyone in that pool was out, instantly.  
And we excepted our lifetime ban from that hotel like men,

Then rolled across town and checked into another,

Where you proceeded to seduce a single mother who was away on a business trip. Despite your best efforts later that day she snubbed you and accepted it like forced retirement.

Take for instance the day we spent the night like millionaires, needing to go bankrupted by sunrise." Connor listened to some dry laughter from the crowd. Connor tearing up at the memory. 

"Take for instance the lie's we told our parents like "No, that is not my sheet of LSD. I'm holding it for a friend"

Take for instance the time you told me a heart can't break. It can only bend.

Take for instance you,  
Take for instance me,  
Take for instance the word instantly.

And how it used to be used to define things life mashed potatoes, or coffee. But now somehow they use it, to sum up your life telling me that you died, instantly.

They said it as if there was a measure of comfort to be found in the fact that you are dead.

That you said no long goodbye's or last words just gone.  
Like a deadbeat dad who popped out for some cigarettes and didn't come back.

Fact is you were a different kind of gone altogether.  
Gone like the promises of lovers who believed in things like unicorns, and forever.

Gone as in never coming back.  
Gone as in your parents can't even bring themselves to go into your old room you are gone like that.

But they all said you died instantly." Connor was crying now, earning a glare from Larry. 

"They said it as if in you is a grace to not linger like a tragedy on slow motion or a heartbreak set on pause.

No slow cause of death for us all to deal with, they said it as if it was a relief. As if that's what you would have wanted.

And I have seen machines push life into the bodies of people who would rather just go and I know that's not something you would want. And I'm not saying I knew you better than most, but I'm pretty sure that you'd rather be alive.

Like the night we decided to drive up to the observatory. We camped under the stars and got drunk.

One beer in you sunk it to nostalgia like a love seat tailor made for your body. Listed from memory the top 20 girls you never kissed but always wanted to.

Backwards, non-stop, twenty through two, you stopped at number one and said her name as if once upon a time. You almost did.

We were alive that night.  
We watched the dark bleed into twilight.  
Watched the sunrise.  
Write novels on the backs of shiny black Beatles and blades of grass.  
We read the day cover to cover in one sitting.

Clouds splitting like lovers lost in the shuffle of trust and jealousy.

We read our favorite lines out loud.

Yours was "If my father is ever proud of me. It will mean in that some small measure I have lived better than him."

Mine was "If my life is the whim of a dreamer let them awake and remember the grand idea that I am"

The worlds was "Let them steam from me. Let them be picked and pressed into diaries. Let them be the tangible memories of writers who could not scribe fiction's greater than those based on the true story of their histories"

'Cause the world didn't actually say that. We were really high.  
And for once. There was no because to the why.

We spoke like liars finally speaking the truth.  
Each word a confessional booth where we recounted our sins realizing the failures of our youth are what make up the beauty of our age.

That every page turned cannot be re-written only re-read.  
Every chapter we sped through needs to remain un-edited.

Exposing our screw ups like the slip of the nipple on the evening news,

we were never perfect.  
And we were only ever barely amazing.

But I've been thinking about the word instantly.  
And how you lived.  
Instant to instant.

Take for instance the night we met.  
When you whipped the rain out of your face like sweat and said "It's not raining. It's just the weather trying to look busy"

We decided right then and there the inventor the the umbrella was a pussy.

Three days later you were sick in bed, reconsider your position and called me and said "Maybe he was just wise"

My heart is bending.  
I keep re-reading the ending of your life expecting a next chapter.  
I expect laughter as if it was always there.  
I un-expect your death hard part of me believes I can make it not true." Connor tried to keep from having a breakdown right then. 

"You kept a rock,  
on a satin pillow,  
on your bookshelf and told me, "It's a star"  
You said you found it in a junkyard, and it had been broken down for quite some time.

Because too many people wished on it and that's a lot of pressure for one little star.

You are the smile I have kept secret.

The Atari 8 bit hero of my youth. And at the funeral, your friends all looked at me as if to say "You're the writer"

So what?  
I knew him, only as well as he knew me.  
And when you told me he was gone.  
I missed him.  
Instantly." Connor sighed and left the podium where all of his friends hugged him while he sobbed. Connor decided right then and there, he wouldn't love after Evan. He never even got the chance to tell Evan he loved him.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry guys. But I would forget the idea. <3 you guys.


End file.
